1. You’ve been doing coke for yeeeeears.
  2. You’re an emotional rollercoaster dumpster fire of a cunt.
  3. You feel entitled to yell and cause a scene, regardless of the situation or people present.
  4. You act like people in television relationships, because that’s how you think life works.
  5. You’ve been on 900 Tinder dates and there was always “something wrong with them.”
  6. A 6 and a 9 look very similar, and you’ve confused which one you are.
  7. You spent your 20s being a cunt to everybody, and now you look like Danny Devito.
  8. You have the same relationship emotional intelligence as you did in high school.
  9. You treat people like property and not a person that deserves love.
  10. You think you’re entitled to a Cristiano Rinaldo, and nothing short of that will do.
  11. You believe every romantic comedy is based on real life.
  12. As soon as you’re done fucking for the first time, you lock him into a relationship.
  13. You have a history of getting violent with the opposite sex.
  14. You think your history of violence with the opposite sex is ok.
  15. You hate change, and you’re happy with what you know. No new information needs to enter your brain.
  16. You lie to yourself about your appearance and status.
  17. Your friends do too.
  18. You haven’t been attractive since Clinton was in office.
  19. You have childhood trauma you like to whip out as a crutch for your bad behavior.
  20. Everybody exists to serve you.
  21. You’re not an asshole, the world is wrong.
  22. You thrive off of conflict.
  23. Your significant other’s emotions and enthusiasm always have to mirror yours.
  24. You thrive off of validation, and constantly compliment yourself when nobody asked you.
  25. You were once hot, and now you’re just pissed off.
  26. You’re not getting any younger, yet 22 year old girls/guys keep rolling off the assembly line.
  27. Your diet sucks, and it’s disgusting to watch.
  28. You treat people like the DMV treats people.
  29. You complain about not cumming, but it’s only because you bring home drunk guys at 3am.
  30. The drunk guys you fuck don’t really want you. They’re just drunk.
  31. The drunk girls that fuck you are interested in you as a person, but you can’t open up because that’s not masculine.
  32. You think other people need to experience the same hurt you have.
  33. You think abuse is normal, and it’s ok to do it to other people.
  34. You think possessions and purchases are a substitute for affection.
  35. You know it’s wrong, but you play games with people just like they play with you once you have the upper hand.
  36. You believe in some kind of relationship upper hand, and you always feel like you’re either winning or losing.
  37. You get relationship advice from daytime television.
  38. You don’t see how miserable you make people you date.
  39. You have rigid standards that you do no follow, but expect them to.
  40. You lap up all of the delusional lies your friends tell you about what you deserve.
  41. You expect dating apps to manufacture your personality for you.
  42. You have ALL the dating apps and everybody sucks.
  43. You like being ‘chased’ and you take that as an excuse to be flaky and inconsistent, if not downright untruthful.
  44. Your convenience comes over everything and everybody.
  45. You’d rather win and be ‘right’ than consider the other person’s feelings.
  46. You pretend to be something you’re not, and assume everybody buys it.
  47. You take constructive criticism as an insult.
  48. Every break up makes you more bitter and vitriolic.
  49. You have no respect for anybody’s time.
  50. You have no personality, no rhythm, and are completely unmemorable.
  51. You demand perfection and 100% allegiance from the other person.
  52. You’re a shallow piece of fuck.
  53. You always have to ‘upgrade’ who/what you’re dating.
  54. You’re worried about what people will think about you, especially since he/she isn’t as hot as what you can really ‘pull.’
  55. You believe there is an endless supply of new people for you to lie to and take advantage.
  56. You refuse to acknowledge the many chips on your shoulders.
  57. You think that once you’re in a relationship you can just give up on your appearance.
  58. You discuss marriage on the first date.
  59. You’re dating to find somebody to have children with, and you mention this within the first 10 minutes of every date.
  60. You’re picky for no god damned logical reason.
  61. Your preferences make no fucking sense, and you think it’s a substitute for having a personality..
  62. Deep down you hate the opposite sex.
  63. You view interactions as transactions.
  64. Maybe nobody is ever meant to be with you.
  65. You make everything a national fucking crisis and you cannot be reasoned with.
  66. You think your curmudgeonliness [I may have made that word up] is a good trait.
  67. What I meant was you confuse being strong with just being annoying and stubborn, seemingly at random.
  68. You can’t stand it when your partner is better at something than you are.
  69. To you, a relationship means your partner is required to agree with everything out of your mouth.
  70. You’re easily influenced by television shows, and your relationship changes based on what you watch.
  71. Your sense of humor revolves around humiliating people.
  72. You think you’re the smartest person you know.
  73. You’re constantly defending your maturity level.
  74. You think admitting you have anger issues is the same thing as solving them.
  75. You think you’re entitled to having anger issues, and your partner just has to deal with them.
  76. You’re a taker, and never a giver.
  77. Your blow jobs suck. Pun intended.
  78. You couldn’t eat pussy right if it was your last meal.
  79. You don’t think you have to get an STD test.
  80. You think relationships are a public competition, and not a way to find private happiness.
  81. You’re under 30. Seriously, this is a factor.
  82. You think everybody cheats, it’s widespread, and it’s ok to do.
  83. You’re not happy unless you’re in a relationship, but you don’t want to be locked down.
  84. You view a relationship as an obligation.
  85. You get as serious as possible as quickly as possible.
  86. You don’t think it’s a bad idea to tell a person you met two weeks ago that you love them.
  87. You use words like love as a bargaining chip.
  88. A person has to fill ‘slots’ in your requirements checklist.
  89. You have a very specific type and you will not deviate.
  90. You take everything said over text literally.
  91. You looooove to guilt trip people. In fact, you get off on it.
  92. You believe your significant other has to take a backseat to your preferences.
  93. Your pussy is as dry as a Popeyes biscuit.
  94. Your dick looks like Walter Matthau.
  95. You think sex is about pleasure for one person.
  96. Your pussy smells like a dumpster behind the projects.
  97. You just have a smelly dick, no matter how many showers.
  98. You cry after sex.
  99. You cry DURING sex.
  100. You bitch about your last date on every first date.